Can anyone smell burning?

Originally Published 20th May 2018

Dramatic scenes at Perriwinkle towers last night as the house across the road decided to catch fire and burn down. We almost missed the drama because we were in the living room [the living room is at the back of the house] and were watching a film called ‘Detroit’, about the race riots in Detroit [surprisingly enough] it had just got to a noisy bit when we heard an odd noise, we assumed it was one of the boys and Chris went to check, returning about 2 seconds later shouting “the fucking house across the road is on fire!”… I’ve never transferred to my wheelchair faster, WOOSH, 2 seconds later we were at the door, mouth hanging open, watching someone’s life go up in flames.

The fire brigade were already on the scene when we opened the door and the noise we heard wasn’t Tom dropping a book but most of the roof falling down [they’re surprisingly similar noises] as we watched the house literally fell apart. The roof tiles nigh on melted inside 5 minutes, then the floors collapsed and the fire dropped to the first floor. All the while Trumpton were wandering about outside looking for all the world like they worked for the council. One bloke was on a hose and he was joined by another bloke. A bloke in a white helmet was mooching about talking into his radio and further up the street was another 20-25 firemen, helmets off, drinking tea – nice! At some point they decided to get the platform down, which is basically a fucking big crane-thing. A dude got onto the platform and shot off into the sky, he then poured water onto the roof from the top while his mate set about smashing the balls out of the rest of the house.

Tom had woken up by now [the platform was hugely noisy and was bang outside his bedroom window] so he was out and about with his mate next door, the pair of them were stood there, in their dressing gowns, looking like a pair of old women. We eventually hauled Tom inside because the boys were starting to get a bit excited and we noticed that the family whose life was burning down were just a few feet from them and we didn’t think it was very fair for them to have to put up with small boys laughing and playing like small boys do.
One or two people came down with their phones and stood there filming the misfortune of others and someone even brought a bag of chips and sat on a driveway enjoying the show. Pretty disgusting really, and I include myself because I was just as guilty. It’s drama, and we all love a bit of drama!

It hit home to us when we saw the kids crying. The family whose house was burning have two children and, naturally, they were distraught. Christine took them drinks and blankets [as did the lovely people next door] and more or less everyone on the street came in to use the toilet [some people even flushed, sadly a few didn’t…]
It all settled down around 1am and the Perriwinkle house caught some ZZZz’s. As I write this there’s a newspaper reporter sniffing about outside, collaring anyone who ventures near him. We refuse to speak to them after the shit they wrote about me but Chris has been told that matey outside has been asking where the bloke with one leg lives, the twat.

There are all sorts of theories as to what happened but the main thing is that everyone got out and nobody was hurt. It’ll all come out in the next few weeks and no doubt somebody somewhere will get blamed, be it the householders, the people who have just completed electrical checks or the developers [these houses are only 5yrs old] so long as no bugger blames me, i’ll cope… oddly, the first text I got this morning, at 0730hrs, was from my mate, Darren, who wanted to know if I’d been out petrol bombing – it’s shit like this that gets a bloke locked up! Keep it on the down-low, people. Repeat after me… Andy doesn’t burn down houses unless he has good reason. Thank you.

Later, people.

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