Dear Summer, I hate you

Originally Published 25th May 2018

I really don’t like this time of year. I know we’re all meant to be bouncing and happy and jolly because the nasty winter has finally buggered off but i’m not. Spring means the nights get lighter, it means the temperature goes up and it means people start coming outside to do stuff. It also means that the weather has a massive brainfart and does whatever the bloody hell it feels like doing. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, one minute it’s bright sunshine, the next it’s pissing down with rain. As I write this it’s pissing down with rain, but i’m going outside soon and will be wearing a T-Shirt and shorts, plus a rain coat.., it’s stupidness, nobody can honestly say they enjoy this shit, can they?

The lighter nights don’t mean anything to us as far as the children sleeping is concerned. I know some people struggle with the lighter nights but ours both sleep like logs and when they’re tired, they sleep. They both had a really solid bedtime routine when they were tiny, nothing got in the way of bedtime [if we were out, we came home] and the net result is that, come bedtime, they’re both almost desperate for bed. If we’re out [now they’re older the routine is more flexible] they’re fine, but if we’re at home, on a school night for example, then come 7:30pm and 8:30pm respectively, that’s them done and snoring ensues.
What I don’t like about the light nights are other people. The people who use the Leisure centre we live next to are generally noisier during the Summer, they’re a bit shoutier and because it’s still light[ish] at 10:00pm they seem to assume it’s daytime. Horns get honked, they shout fond farewells because they’re so fucking hilarious and all the time i’m wishing they’d just die.

Other people’s noise is the thing that annoys me most in life. I’m a very quiet person on the whole and don’t enjoy loud noises [George appears to have inherited that trait] so I get annoyed quite easily when the local knobhead turns up in the car park behind us in his 12yr old Vauxhall Nova, revving the balls off of it in a desperate attempt to impress someone, pumping out Bass that makes our windows rattle and generally behaving like a ball bag.
Sadly, wherever there’s a dickhead in a shit car, there’s a herd of bellends to impress. In our case it’s the Huncote massive. A collection of 14/15yr old hard nuts who swagger about as if they own the place. They stride around shouting big boy swear words at anyone who looks at them and sometimes they even threaten to beat up the old folk whose bungalows border the car park, it’s super to listen to on a sunny Sunday afternoon, when the Leisure Centre is closed. The local scrotes gather near the football pitches and spend the afternoon being twats, i’m sure they’re perfectly normal when they’re near mummy and daddy but put them with their mates and they become instant arseholes. They turn up in Winter but at least they’re cold and that makes it all much easier to cope with.

Chuck in barbecues and garden parties and you’ll complete my pain… I love a barbecue, if i’m invited and i’m more than happy to host a garden party [when I say “more than happy” I mean “have hosted one once in 30yrs, and it was okay”] but what I’m not happy with, surprisingly, is other people’s noise.
We once had Polish neighbours who would hold a family barbecue every-single-day of the summer and that’s no exaggeration. One of the in-laws would turn up with his guitar and would treat everyone within an 8-house-radius to a selection of Polish songs as he got slowly wankered on Vodka, they’d then whack the stereo on and would play the latest in Polish music, very loudly, until whatever time the Vodka ran out. They had kids in the same class as Tom and they’d often be bouncing on the trampoline at midnight on a school night and their favourite game was ‘let’s scream our fucking head off’. At bedtime there would be screams akin to a murder scene, we later discovered that Mum & Dad decided to remove the door handles so the kids were locked in their bedroom, 3 children in one room, no toilet and Mum and Dad enjoying a lie-in until Noon [even on school days] when we complained they accused us of being racist… lovely people.

Temperature wise, I don’t like anything above 24 degrees. That’s pretty much my limit. If it’s hotter than that it makes me sweaty and uncomfortable, so I tend to stay inside where it’s cool and only venture out when I absolutely have to.
I’ve been in a desert, I’ve been atop massive sand dunes in 50 degrees, and I’ve been firmly in the shit in some very shit places, but nothing compares to being too hot in my own back garden. Nightmare!

I know lots of people who don’t like Winter but for me, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. It’s cold [sometimes] and we all know where we stand when it’s cold. It rains a lot, which keeps the dickheads inside. There are no barbecues, far fewer footballs belted against fences, nobody is out and about so the old folk don’t get threatened, the local knobhead has nobody to show off to in his Nova and the Huncote massive are at home, playing board games with Mummy and Daddy. What’s not to love? Also – what happens in Winter? Halloween – awesome! Bonfire night – awesome and CHRISTMAS! – double-awesome!

So there we go. Roll on Winter, Perriwinkle for President!

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