Robin Hood made me Moist

Originally published, 22nd May 2018

Greetings, sports fans, I trust you’re all well and happy and all of that good stuff?

We headed over to the hospital in sunny Coventry earlier, it really was sunny as well. We were in and out like a fiddlers elbow today, Just one hour after walking [rolling] in, out we came. Arthur the leg is being a sodding genius now, he’s clearly fed up of having a hole and is healing it faster than Mr T could figure out that his milk was drugged and that he was in fact, getting on that plane, the fool.

We zoomed home in our trusty Picasso, we had to use the Picasso because my new wheelchair, designed for and delivered to me yesterday thank you very much, is too big to go into the other car, which is shit. Now I’ve got to save up and buy a new fucking car on top of whatever else it is I’ve got to save up for, I lose count to be honest. I’m in a permanent state of saving up. When I come back i’m coming back as a rich bloke.

Our afternoon was spent watching Tom in a school play – now that you’ve read that statement just take a pause and think about it. Think about what happened to us this afternoon. Give yourself a good 30 seconds of quiet contemplation before reading on, that way you’ll feel our pain and will be able to relate to what comes next – note – if you were at the performance and enjoyed it because your little ray of sunshine was so amazing, fuck off. You’re not normal and are not wanted here.

Don’t ask me why the school are putting on a school play in May cos I have no idea. In my day we wrapped a T-Towel around our head in December and that was it. As we got older we traded our T-Towel in for a shirt and tie and had to sing songs in church, but that was it, and it was in December, so everyone knew where they stood. It wasn’t in May, that’s just crazy.

The play was something about Robin Hood. I didn’t catch the actual title and didn’t hear 90% of the words spoken due to them being directed at shoes and because of the noisy toddler near us. I saw Tom prancing about though, he was a narrator and he also got to hold up a sign that said “Boo” from time to time, so that was nice [I love a good Boo] Towards the end of the sing-a-thon [Ten songs in a 45 minute show] some kid caught a pie in the face, it wasn’t explained why they pied him, they just did. He’d been one of the best kids up there so maybe the rest were jealous? Anyway, they pied his ass and that was the show over. The doors were opened, the stampede started and that was that, hopefully, until Christmas.

As it was only a few minutes before George was due out we hung about in the playground. George didn’t know I was going to be there so it was nice to get a big cuddle from him. I also got to enjoy the embarrassed looks on the faces of the adults I caught staring at my leg. I don’t care that I have a space where my leg used to be, I actually quite like it in fact and it’s a damn sight better than the bag of shit that used to be there, but I’d rather people just talk to me like a human being rather than trying to catch snide glances when they think I’m not looking.
The normal people, the people I consider to be friends, talked to me. They wandered over, shot the shit for a minute and then wandered off again, no big deal, happy days. The rest of them stood about 20′ away and shuffled nervously. You could tell they wanted to ask, but none could muster a bit of courage and come on over.
Our friend, Heather, informed me that she was a bit damp in her unmentionable area, it was super of her to tell me directly and whilst she claims to have been simply ‘sweating’ [lovely image that, Heather] I think we know the real truth.

The highlight of my day was not a trouble-free visit to the hospital, nor was it watching my first born son mincing about on stage. The thought of Heather going a bit giddy at my unannounced appearance pleased me greatly but the prize, the absolute cheese, was the discovery that the word MOIST sends women into apoplexy! Seriously they, and in particular, Heather, bloody hate the word, MOIST. I’ve no Idea why they hate MOIST so much, but apparently they do. Go figure.

So anyway, that was Tuesday.

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