Originally Published 30th May 2018

Cheerful things full of cheerfulness today. We took the boys for a mooch about at Cadbury World and a fairly funky time was had by all – the tone of the day was set by George who, before we’d even left the street, had screamed CHOCOLATE! at the top of his voice, for no other reason than he was excited. Knob.

Traffic was a bit shit on the motorway but we arrived with a few minutes to spare before the allotted kick off time. Because I’m a mong in a wheelchair we were awarded yellow wristbands, which means we don’t need to wait in queues like other people – “Mong coming through, move please.” I’ve got no idea why I’m awarded prizes wherever I go but it’s cool. “Oh, your leg fell off, here’s a wristband to get you to the front of the queue, that’ll obviously help no end“.

The first part of the tour teaches the history of Cadburys and it’s really quite interesting. The boys couldn’t give a rats ass about the development of Bourneville but I thought it was dead good. I like a bit of history though. It was fascinating to learn about how advanced Cadburys were and how they made a point of looking after their staff. It’s ironic that this is taught in a virtual shell of a factory that was once full of employees. Kraft, the American owners of Cadburys laid off 300 staff and replaced them with machines, they also closed other factory’s and moved production to Poland (naturally) and in so doing, ruined the legacy of Cadburys who actually wanted to treat their staff well at a time when other employers were treating them like shit. The price of progress [and profit] eh, shame.

The tour [not sure why it’s called that, as you’re left to your own devices] includes a few videos but it’s mostly a question of wandering about to look at stuff, it’s great! The boys enjoyed the armfuls of chocolate they were given during the tour [they came away with 16 full bars of chocolate freebies] and they also loved the 4D cinema and the various interactive features.
We spent a good couple of hours in the factory, it would have been double that had it not been honking with rain as we had planned to take a picnic so we could munch while the boys enjoyed the extensive play areas outside, best laid plans and all that…

My yellow wristband was only employed twice, the first was when Chris took the boys onto the train-ride-thing, and the second was at the 4D Cinema. The first occasion caused some bint in the queue to object, she wasn’t happy that the mong family Robinson were pushing in and wanted to know why, “So If I had a wristband could I push in as well then?”, she said in a sarky voice. The staff member in front of her simply said “yep” and carried on. “Oh, okay” she said… she clearly isn’t well versed in the way of the blood feud. Had that been me I’d have tattooed that blokes name onto my heart and would have kept it there until I’d destroyed him.

For once I didn’t fall out with anyone! The staff were all excellent, really accommodating and not at all patronising and the other people who were there with us were all spot on. Parents reigned their children in, people waited patiently as the mong rolled past them and some even apologised for almost sitting on me. It was good. The only negative was some fat fatty fat fat who saw us coming out of the mong lift and decided that she and her fat kids could use it too because she couldn’t be bothered to use the stairs. Hmm… chocolate factory, can’t be bothered to use her legs, massively fat – she’s the reason the government treat us like knobheads. I know you can die from being fat and idle, and she will, today probably, assuming she got out of the lift okay, the bloater.

So anyway, on a completely unrelated note to the above, as we left the factory we popped into the shop and managed to spend £35 on chocolate and chocolate related products. I bought myself a Fathers Day mug [it says the man, the legend and is very cool] and somehow my gift to myself was usurped and it’s now a gift to me from the boys – what the fuck? I bought it myself! How the bollocking hell is it a gift from the squirts? At least go through the motions of taking them to the shop before buying me something ‘from them’ while they spend whatever money they’ve got on toys and comics. Talk about phoning it in!

We bought loads of stuff and will surely die from being fat very soon, It was fun though, very tasty and totally worth it.

Leave a Reply